Because books are sexy, sexy beasts.
Well, let me rephrase that. Most books are sexy, sexy beasts. I'm not gonna say that I'd take an afternoon alone with a cup of lemonade and Fifty Shades of Grey over an afternoon alone with a cup of lemonade and The Starlight Crystal. Mmm, Slaughterhouse Five, you're looking good tonight!
Because yes, I tried reading the first Fifty Shades book, but the writing was so laughably horrendous, I couldn't finish it. And it's an exceedingly rare occasion when I don't finish a book I've started.
So of course I have oodles and oodles of fun working as a library aide in my high school career. How would I not? I have the chance to improve my people skills, while looking after and maintaining hundreds of those gorgeous books.
I am their mother and they are my children. And also my dates.
Sorry Other Half.
And because I so lovingly look after them, YOU GRUBBY LITTLE FRESHMEN GET YOUR DAMN CHEETO FINGERS OFF OF MY KIDS.
I have so many pet peeves as a library aide, it's rather concerning, but well-founded. Though I am not a full librarian of lore, I share book pet peeves like these other librarians.
Kids with Cheeto/ Pringles/ corn chip fingers
I have seen so many beautiful pages ruined by these nasty eaters, it kills my soul a little. It's bad enough that they sneak in food when we don't ALLOW any beyond the front desk, but then they grab magazines and books off of our shelves and rub that nasty gold and red, cheesy powder off on every paper surface they touch. And then they close the books and let future readers suffer.It's disgusting, it's disrespectful, and we work hard to keep these books clean for everyone. Don't waste our library money and time. And so help me, if I catch you with Cheeto fingers reading books, I will boot you from the library. I'm not kidding.
Kids who hand me a book and don't tell me what they want
I am the omnipotent goddess of this library! I know the books' desires as I know your literary desires! So obviously if you hand me a book over the desk and don't tell me what you would like, I'll know what to do!This pisses me off. Especially when they get angry when I ask them what they would like. I'm not a damn telepathic. Open your trap and tell me how I can help you.
Dogearing pages
Again, I work hard to keep these books in good condition. And I shrivel a little every time I see a page with a fold in the corner. There are such ways to keep your page marked WITHOUT folding the page! Besides putting the book down on the page you're on (that damages the spine and covers and pretty much the whole thing); We have this new invention! It's called bookmarks. See, you stick them in your book and then you know where you're at when you go to read later! Isn't it cool! And the best part is, we hand them out for free! We even have some scratch-and-sniff bookmarks for you spoiled hooligans in watermelon, candy corn, mint and more! Grab a god damn bookmark, please.Treating me like the maid
Now, don't get me wrong- I do realize it is my job to clean the library, and I am happy to do that- to an extent. I will re-shelve your dropped books and magazines, put random folders in the lost and found, and wipe down dirty tables with sanitary wipes until my hands are raw. I'm fine with that.
What I am NOT fine with, is shelving a book, turning around and you're noisily chewing gum, putting your used piece on the underside of the table, throwing the wrapper on the floor, wiping your nose with a tissue and also throwing that on the floor, scattering paper scraps everywhere, and generally being an asshole. I had the pleasure of kicking a kid out of the library the other week:
Me: "Excuse me, could you pick up your trash before you leave? Thank you."
Entitled Jerkface: "Can't you get it?"
Me: "I have a lot of things to do, if you could just pick up the papers you've left on the desk and return those books to the drop shelf so I can put them back, I would really appreciate it."
Entitled Jerkface: "Ha! It's not that big a deal. You can get it."
Me: "Excuse me? I'm not your mother."
At which point, Entitled Jerkface spit his gum out on the floor in front of me. I called his teacher, and sent him back to class.
Are we really in a society where we are that rude? It made me see red for a while.
You're not that sneaky. No, really, you're not
I get a kick out of kids who try to sneak drinks past the front desk. Yes, we'll keep your drink safe for you, but for the sake of the books and computers, keep it here, and come back to the desk to drink it. Yes, I can see you when you try to get it past me. You're not invisible or the offspring of a ninja. And if my back is turned and you do sneak it in, I'll know. Because 90% of the time, it's something sticky, and you spill it. It seems your favorite victims are the computers.
"My keyboard isn't working!"
"Is it wet?"
"...no...?"
"Oh, hey, it's wet, you spilled something on it. It's sticky and sweet. That's why it's not working and that's why you get to pay for a new keyboard."
You'd think it's common sense.
I'm looking for the answer to the obscurity of life
"I'm looking for a book."
"I'm looking for a magazine."
"I'm looking for some pictures."
"I'm looking for an encyclopedia."
What book are you looking for? What magazine? What picture? What encyclopedia? Don't give me some open-ended comment. Elaborate. I've read many of the books here. I'd be happy to give you a recommendation. Would you like a recommendation? There's all our magazines over on that shelf. LOOK THERE. We have an entire file cabinet of pictures for your use, from Alabaster to Zebra. We have it tidy and organized. Want a picture? I'll direct you to the file cabinet but find it yourself. Don't tell me you don't know the alphabet. Or did you leave your precious art project here, and that's the picture you're looking for? I can't hold your hand for everything.
I'm looking for a book on the plight of alligators in the Congo who eat babies
Now, I get it if you give me a broad subject such as, "I'm looking for a book on the native birds of America," or, "I'm looking for a book on Romanticism." We probably have more than one book on that. But asking me something like, "Do you have any books on Easter Island head-like statues in Peru?" and then getting angry with me when we don't have the absurdly specific book you're looking for... that drives me up a wall. We have a book on sculptures, ancient art and even Peru. But you may have better luck on the Internet. My apologies.
