I Have A Blog and I Had Too Much Caffeine

I have a blog?
I have a blog?
This outdated shitfest made for the sole purpose of entertaining exactly zero masses and earning me a grade in a high school English class (I think)?
Well then. Perhaps a revamp is in order.
The Messiah is back, and she has brought more toast. The cinnamon swirl kind. Shit's like cocaine.
I have a blog.

Fuck.

Toasty's Guide to Facebook Users, Part 2

Here I am continuing my guide to Facebook users. I really need something to do.
Anyhow, if you haven't yet seen Part One to this guide, check it out!

The Community Hyena

Chuck Poindexter:
"Today, my little girl drew me a picture of a duck. When she gave it to me, I could not honestly say I knew what it was, so I took an educated guess and said, 'What a pretty dinosaur!' I suppose my answer did not please her, because she's shut herself in her room, pouting. I'll have to make macaroni to appease her." -3 hours ago
Sir Giggles: LOL! -2 hours ago

Chuck Poindexter:
"The wife just called and apparently work has caught up with her, she'll be pulling an all-nighter. I guess I'll have to call off our date day tomorrow since she'll probably be sleeping." -2 hours ago
Sir Giggles: LOL! -2 hours ago

Chuck Poindexter:
"There's a man outside digging through my trash outside. Whatever he takes out, he studies it, places it on our porch, rings the doorbell, then smiles at our window. I'm contemplating calling the police." -53 minutes ago
Sir Giggles: LOL! -38 minutes ago

These people are odd. They never really post any statuses, or pictures, or share anything. They read everyone else's things, and the majority of their responses include "lol," "LOL," "teehee," "hehe," or any other variation of laughter. If you're lucky, you'll see a short sentence promptly followed by "LOL," but that's about all we get from them. It's possible that they don't even bother reading the status before stating their amusement. Your grandmother getting hit by a drive-by brick-throwing could be the most hilarious thing in the world. They will laugh their asses off until they can no longer feel their spines.

FIGHT
They'll probably never check back to see what you said, so don't bother.

FRIENDLY
Laugh with them. You'll look like a toolbox, but by all means, gigglesnort away.

NEUTRAL
Ignore their note, maybe leave a response of your own to the status if you like, continue on. If you made the status, contemplate deleting their post. No one much likes the Hyena.

The Everybody Do The Duck (or The Obscure Beauty Queen)

Mary Maybe-Sue posted a Photo to "So Hot": -2 hours ago
"Me as a baby!! :)"

Mary Maybe-Sue posted a Photo to "So Hot": -2 hours ago

 

 Mary Maybe-Sue posted a Photo to "So Hot": -1 hour ago

  

Okay, for the record, DUCK FACES ARE NOT HOT.

Now. These Facebook users have a tendency to post photos of themselves. All the time. Not necessarily with duck faces, but you get the picture. (HA, picture! Get it? Get it? Heehhh... :| ) The pictures are very often vague, such as a picture of one quarter of their face that looks like a failed mugshot since they were trying to be mysterious or something. They often post overdone and far-too-common quotes from people like Dr. Seuss and Rick Astley. These are the people you want to track down and release a peacock in their living rooms and watch them run for the hills (because the peacock WILL be victorious). They, for reasons unknown, love attention like people love Scottish Fold kittens.

I mean look at that little bastard!

FIGHT

"Seriously, this is ugly. This is not hot in any fashion. I sense a lack of general intelligence."

FRIENDLY

"Wow, so hot!!" (gag to yourself after posting)

NEUTRAL

Whatever. Keep scrolling before you're mentally scarred.

The Very Deep and Thoughtful and Evidently Very Moody Artist

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"I was sure she knew. Her answers elude me. The green canopy rusts and stains red and copper with the withering cold of our demise. I will make sure, before the sky grows dark, that her flesh will be permeated, solidified with frost. Morning will bring her no heat." -8 hours ago

Jackie Wall:

"Did Kim piss you off again? haha" -6 hours ago

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"Your human curiosity will bring you no reprieve from your maze of unsatisfied questions and undisclosed desires." -6 hours ago

Jackie Wall:

"k, Alyssa. sure. I have soooo many undisclosed desires" -6 hours ago

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"When you are at the end of the rope fate weaved for you, create your own path. Ungrateful contributors must only be moved aside. Those in aid are meant to be for another purpose in this meagre existence: a handhold. Climb to ascend. Ascend to achieve your given reward." -5 hours ago

Jackie Wall:

"Um... am I am handhold? sounds boring" -5 hours ago

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"The simple mechanisms of torture and bloodletting must be restricted by your time on this earth? No matter. The simple holding buildings of such sharpened devices are available to me in many yards and properties. I must merely not be seen. Such processes are simple." -3 hours ago

Jackie Wall:

"Alyssa? You're scaring me. :(" -2 hours ago

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"Whatever answers eluded me, are now present. These leaves have withered and turned to soot. Crimson waters of life are the elixir of prosperity and existence, and tonight I shall bathe in it. Glory is within one's grasp, merely reach out... and take it. The soul and experience of this event are my plunder. Lethal silver glints red with this new knowledge." -1 hour ago

Jackie Wall:

"im calling the police" -38 minutes ago

As presented thus, these individuals can be highly dangerous to engage. Many of their posts are a cryptic, war-communication-code-like format and they don't seem to give a shit about the people who respond asking what the hell they're talking about. They also enjoy taking photos of random objects, like a rock on the freeway, and post something about the troubles moving through the speed of life, or whatever. For all we know, they could be celebrating For the fact they got their first drink of rum, or that their hamster died. You can never be too sure. They just post things, and you have to sit back and think to yourself, "is this real life?"

FIGHT

"Hey, I was reading this, and it made me think of Shel Silverstien."

FRIENDLY
"That's pretty awesome... keep me updated." (Who are you fooling? No one know what the hell they're talking about!)

NEUTRAL
For the hell of it, you could attempt to crack the code of their post. Perhaps you'll win an award in human communications or something and get to pose as a new scientific supermodel.

Toasty's Guide to Facebook Users

Here I am with another guide! This time, I will be covering a bit of the Wonderful World of Failb-- Facebook. I will be discussing a few types of Facebook users and how to engage in battle with them- or simply deal with their kind. You can have oodles of fun messing with people on Facebook- and it's easy! Nearly everyone has at least one of these friends if they are a user of this social medium.

The Mr. They-Have-A-Better-Life-And-They-Will-Rub-It-In

John Prutehnshis:
Loving my tour of Europe! Today I had a superb dinner of smoked salmon, caviar, and a helping of risotto. I think if I eat any more caviar, I'm going to turn into caviar. -2 hours ago

 Now, there are many ways you can go about this, like the "Well I thumb my nose at you, sir!" or the "OMG that sounds sooo good!!11!" route. Here are basic tactics depending on your fight/friendly stance, or potential neutrality for the situation. Many other types of responses can be derived from these basic ones.

FIGHT
"Today, I ate a dinner of specially-made pufferfish meat, shashimi, and shabu-shabu. Also, I'll be watching fireworks tonight and smelling cherry blossoms as I sleep. Guess where I'm at, bitch? Also, I didn't get food poisoning or die."

FRIENDLY
"That sounds so good! Save me some please? I promise to make you likely-sub-par cookies when you get back if you do. Please? :)" (to be safe, give them the satisfaction of +1 Like on their status.)

NEUTRAL
Think darkly to yourself before scrolling on.

The Updates Every Minute of Every Day of Every EVERYTHING Friend

Valerie Obnoxsis: 
Oh my gosh, a bird just landed outside my living room window on the lower branch of my oak tree! It's a little songbird! How pretty! Yay! -10 minutes ago

Valerie Obnoxis:
The bird flew away, that's a bummer. And there's nothing on TV. #Whattowatch? -6 minutes ago

Valerie Obnoxis:
I made some instant cake in the microwave. Mmm, cake. Yum. -3 minutes ago

Valerie Obnoxis:
I BURNED MY MOUTH ON THE CAKE! Ow ow owwww :( Guess I'll eat something else. I'm going to Red Lobster with Brent! - 1 minute ago

Valerie Obnoxis is single. -4 seconds ago

These types of friends make you want to hit a puppy against a lamppost until you could make a wonderful casserole out of it. You know who they are. And if you are one, you typically don't realize it unless you've been enlightened by the forces of the Internet. These are the people that post every intimate detail of their lives, whether they've broken up with their other for the eighth time this week or woken up on the wrong side of town. Responses:

FIGHT
"Well, Valerie, did you pass out in the lobster tank again?"

FRIENDLY
"Oh no! Did you make him pay the tab? I hope he did!"

NEUTRAL
Bypass the post. Don't even bother, it's not like they saw a magical cheetah running through the sky today.

The It's Your Problem Too or Drown in my Virtual Tears (Drama Queen)

Allison Nospine:
Oh my gosh, I have the best boyfriend evvveerrrrr. He's so wonderful and one day hes gonna be my hubbyyyyy :) Love you babee <3 -46 minutes ago

Allison Nospine is single. -4 minutes ago

Allison Nospine:
Garrett is the worst person ever and he SUCKS!!! He had the balls to go to breakfast without me. Well whatever because I don't need assholes in my life. Only an awesome guy can get this special girl. I have my lady friends anywayss :) -3 minutes ago

Allison Nospine wrote a note:
A Poem for My Broken Heart
I am beautiful
You are ugly
Hope you enjoyed your fucking pancakes
Burn in hell Garrett
-23 seconds ago

These people go hand-in-hand with Updates-Every-Minute Friend. They whine, and cry, and people really don't care. They tend to butcher proper grammar and spelling rules like Pyramid Head butchers mannequins. They are compliment fishers. Example: "Man, I'm going to have a food baby from eating so much cereal. What about you?" "OH MY GOD YOU THINK I'M FAAAT." "When did I say that?! You're not fat! Stop turning red!"
We all fear them. We wait for the day where their account shuts itself off somehow and we can all enjoy the blissful silence.

FIGHT
"I was going to go to the bathroom because I thought I was about to give a shit, but then I didn't. Also, those pancakes were delicious. Garrett got strawberries and whipped cream on his."

FRIENDLY
"Lady friends are better! I know, let's put on Facebook that we're in a relationship, that'll throw them a curveball!" 

NEUTRAL
Cry in a corner, for the poor situation of humanity. How could anyone live like that?! 



I may continue this guide! Depends on how I'm feeling. I'll need to do more Facebook research. 

What Do I Do with my Life?

No, really. What will I do?
Now that my after school program is over with, one that I have participated in for five years and took up 98 percent of my life, all I can do is sit outside the band room door and sob quietly as I wait fruitlessly for practice to begin.
I am lost and alone. I need a buddy. I need a room full of drums, going progressively deaf, with the occasional comment that goes something along the lines of, "so I went to this crazy dubstep concert and there was a wall of death..."
I am sad. Very, very sad.

I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream

Okay, so I have a mouth. But considering its a Day Of Silence here in support of the LGBT community, (though it is my day of silence, too, in honor of the victims of the Boston bombing. May the benevolent spirits be with them) I have not spoken today except for when I absolutely must; here's my little list of frustrations with being quiet (and it's only halfway over!):

Attempting to have Extended Conversations
And then you get angry when I can't respond! Seriously?! I showed you my pre-written paper explaining the situation!

Trying to Play a Game of Charades
I suck at Charades. Like, it's ridiculous, the level of suck I possess. And I try to communicate that way anyhow. I've already given several people the finger today out of frustration as I desperately try to tell them something only to have them laugh as I frantically wave my arms like a Wacky Waving Inflatable Floaty Arm Guy. Those guys are scary.

 

"WooooOOOOOoooOOO! DooOONN'TT COOMMMEEE HEEEERREEE!"

Taking my Silence as Consent to Bug the Shit out of Me

I'm not talking, and working on a very important assignment! Please! By all means! Get in my face and discuss to me in depth how important it is that you see a doctor about your strange belly button blisters or what not! ...okay, that didn't actually happen. But I digress.

 

No Words?! BLASPHEMY!

Why do you try so hard to make me talk? Really? Really? This isn't a game! This is a matter of silence out of respect! Though I am currently yelling digitally. Over a blog. 

As I will continue to do so as long as I am writing here.

Anyone Out There?

I continue to post here as a budding new blogger, yet the feed that comes back is as static and shallow as the signals of newborn stars. Or the barks of basenjis, of which they have none. No barking for them.
Is anyone out there, even?
Am I alone in this cold, cruel world of blogs?
Hello?

My April Fool's Day Plans!

Hehehehe. I'm just kidding. I ain't telling you my plans.

Here's a picture of Julie Andrews instead.

April Fools.