Toasty's Guide to Facebook Users

Here I am with another guide! This time, I will be covering a bit of the Wonderful World of Failb-- Facebook. I will be discussing a few types of Facebook users and how to engage in battle with them- or simply deal with their kind. You can have oodles of fun messing with people on Facebook- and it's easy! Nearly everyone has at least one of these friends if they are a user of this social medium.

The Mr. They-Have-A-Better-Life-And-They-Will-Rub-It-In

John Prutehnshis:
Loving my tour of Europe! Today I had a superb dinner of smoked salmon, caviar, and a helping of risotto. I think if I eat any more caviar, I'm going to turn into caviar. -2 hours ago

 Now, there are many ways you can go about this, like the "Well I thumb my nose at you, sir!" or the "OMG that sounds sooo good!!11!" route. Here are basic tactics depending on your fight/friendly stance, or potential neutrality for the situation. Many other types of responses can be derived from these basic ones.

FIGHT
"Today, I ate a dinner of specially-made pufferfish meat, shashimi, and shabu-shabu. Also, I'll be watching fireworks tonight and smelling cherry blossoms as I sleep. Guess where I'm at, bitch? Also, I didn't get food poisoning or die."

FRIENDLY
"That sounds so good! Save me some please? I promise to make you likely-sub-par cookies when you get back if you do. Please? :)" (to be safe, give them the satisfaction of +1 Like on their status.)

NEUTRAL
Think darkly to yourself before scrolling on.

The Updates Every Minute of Every Day of Every EVERYTHING Friend

Valerie Obnoxsis: 
Oh my gosh, a bird just landed outside my living room window on the lower branch of my oak tree! It's a little songbird! How pretty! Yay! -10 minutes ago

Valerie Obnoxis:
The bird flew away, that's a bummer. And there's nothing on TV. #Whattowatch? -6 minutes ago

Valerie Obnoxis:
I made some instant cake in the microwave. Mmm, cake. Yum. -3 minutes ago

Valerie Obnoxis:
I BURNED MY MOUTH ON THE CAKE! Ow ow owwww :( Guess I'll eat something else. I'm going to Red Lobster with Brent! - 1 minute ago

Valerie Obnoxis is single. -4 seconds ago

These types of friends make you want to hit a puppy against a lamppost until you could make a wonderful casserole out of it. You know who they are. And if you are one, you typically don't realize it unless you've been enlightened by the forces of the Internet. These are the people that post every intimate detail of their lives, whether they've broken up with their other for the eighth time this week or woken up on the wrong side of town. Responses:

FIGHT
"Well, Valerie, did you pass out in the lobster tank again?"

FRIENDLY
"Oh no! Did you make him pay the tab? I hope he did!"

NEUTRAL
Bypass the post. Don't even bother, it's not like they saw a magical cheetah running through the sky today.

The It's Your Problem Too or Drown in my Virtual Tears (Drama Queen)

Allison Nospine:
Oh my gosh, I have the best boyfriend evvveerrrrr. He's so wonderful and one day hes gonna be my hubbyyyyy :) Love you babee <3 -46 minutes ago

Allison Nospine is single. -4 minutes ago

Allison Nospine:
Garrett is the worst person ever and he SUCKS!!! He had the balls to go to breakfast without me. Well whatever because I don't need assholes in my life. Only an awesome guy can get this special girl. I have my lady friends anywayss :) -3 minutes ago

Allison Nospine wrote a note:
A Poem for My Broken Heart
I am beautiful
You are ugly
Hope you enjoyed your fucking pancakes
Burn in hell Garrett
-23 seconds ago

These people go hand-in-hand with Updates-Every-Minute Friend. They whine, and cry, and people really don't care. They tend to butcher proper grammar and spelling rules like Pyramid Head butchers mannequins. They are compliment fishers. Example: "Man, I'm going to have a food baby from eating so much cereal. What about you?" "OH MY GOD YOU THINK I'M FAAAT." "When did I say that?! You're not fat! Stop turning red!"
We all fear them. We wait for the day where their account shuts itself off somehow and we can all enjoy the blissful silence.

FIGHT
"I was going to go to the bathroom because I thought I was about to give a shit, but then I didn't. Also, those pancakes were delicious. Garrett got strawberries and whipped cream on his."

FRIENDLY
"Lady friends are better! I know, let's put on Facebook that we're in a relationship, that'll throw them a curveball!" 

NEUTRAL
Cry in a corner, for the poor situation of humanity. How could anyone live like that?! 



I may continue this guide! Depends on how I'm feeling. I'll need to do more Facebook research.