Toasty's Guide to Facebook Users, Part 2

Here I am continuing my guide to Facebook users. I really need something to do.
Anyhow, if you haven't yet seen Part One to this guide, check it out!

The Community Hyena

Chuck Poindexter:
"Today, my little girl drew me a picture of a duck. When she gave it to me, I could not honestly say I knew what it was, so I took an educated guess and said, 'What a pretty dinosaur!' I suppose my answer did not please her, because she's shut herself in her room, pouting. I'll have to make macaroni to appease her." -3 hours ago
Sir Giggles: LOL! -2 hours ago

Chuck Poindexter:
"The wife just called and apparently work has caught up with her, she'll be pulling an all-nighter. I guess I'll have to call off our date day tomorrow since she'll probably be sleeping." -2 hours ago
Sir Giggles: LOL! -2 hours ago

Chuck Poindexter:
"There's a man outside digging through my trash outside. Whatever he takes out, he studies it, places it on our porch, rings the doorbell, then smiles at our window. I'm contemplating calling the police." -53 minutes ago
Sir Giggles: LOL! -38 minutes ago

These people are odd. They never really post any statuses, or pictures, or share anything. They read everyone else's things, and the majority of their responses include "lol," "LOL," "teehee," "hehe," or any other variation of laughter. If you're lucky, you'll see a short sentence promptly followed by "LOL," but that's about all we get from them. It's possible that they don't even bother reading the status before stating their amusement. Your grandmother getting hit by a drive-by brick-throwing could be the most hilarious thing in the world. They will laugh their asses off until they can no longer feel their spines.

FIGHT
They'll probably never check back to see what you said, so don't bother.

FRIENDLY
Laugh with them. You'll look like a toolbox, but by all means, gigglesnort away.

NEUTRAL
Ignore their note, maybe leave a response of your own to the status if you like, continue on. If you made the status, contemplate deleting their post. No one much likes the Hyena.

The Everybody Do The Duck (or The Obscure Beauty Queen)

Mary Maybe-Sue posted a Photo to "So Hot": -2 hours ago
"Me as a baby!! :)"

Mary Maybe-Sue posted a Photo to "So Hot": -2 hours ago

 

 Mary Maybe-Sue posted a Photo to "So Hot": -1 hour ago

  

Okay, for the record, DUCK FACES ARE NOT HOT.

Now. These Facebook users have a tendency to post photos of themselves. All the time. Not necessarily with duck faces, but you get the picture. (HA, picture! Get it? Get it? Heehhh... :| ) The pictures are very often vague, such as a picture of one quarter of their face that looks like a failed mugshot since they were trying to be mysterious or something. They often post overdone and far-too-common quotes from people like Dr. Seuss and Rick Astley. These are the people you want to track down and release a peacock in their living rooms and watch them run for the hills (because the peacock WILL be victorious). They, for reasons unknown, love attention like people love Scottish Fold kittens.

I mean look at that little bastard!

FIGHT

"Seriously, this is ugly. This is not hot in any fashion. I sense a lack of general intelligence."

FRIENDLY

"Wow, so hot!!" (gag to yourself after posting)

NEUTRAL

Whatever. Keep scrolling before you're mentally scarred.

The Very Deep and Thoughtful and Evidently Very Moody Artist

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"I was sure she knew. Her answers elude me. The green canopy rusts and stains red and copper with the withering cold of our demise. I will make sure, before the sky grows dark, that her flesh will be permeated, solidified with frost. Morning will bring her no heat." -8 hours ago

Jackie Wall:

"Did Kim piss you off again? haha" -6 hours ago

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"Your human curiosity will bring you no reprieve from your maze of unsatisfied questions and undisclosed desires." -6 hours ago

Jackie Wall:

"k, Alyssa. sure. I have soooo many undisclosed desires" -6 hours ago

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"When you are at the end of the rope fate weaved for you, create your own path. Ungrateful contributors must only be moved aside. Those in aid are meant to be for another purpose in this meagre existence: a handhold. Climb to ascend. Ascend to achieve your given reward." -5 hours ago

Jackie Wall:

"Um... am I am handhold? sounds boring" -5 hours ago

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"The simple mechanisms of torture and bloodletting must be restricted by your time on this earth? No matter. The simple holding buildings of such sharpened devices are available to me in many yards and properties. I must merely not be seen. Such processes are simple." -3 hours ago

Jackie Wall:

"Alyssa? You're scaring me. :(" -2 hours ago

Alyssa Pifailsso:

"Whatever answers eluded me, are now present. These leaves have withered and turned to soot. Crimson waters of life are the elixir of prosperity and existence, and tonight I shall bathe in it. Glory is within one's grasp, merely reach out... and take it. The soul and experience of this event are my plunder. Lethal silver glints red with this new knowledge." -1 hour ago

Jackie Wall:

"im calling the police" -38 minutes ago

As presented thus, these individuals can be highly dangerous to engage. Many of their posts are a cryptic, war-communication-code-like format and they don't seem to give a shit about the people who respond asking what the hell they're talking about. They also enjoy taking photos of random objects, like a rock on the freeway, and post something about the troubles moving through the speed of life, or whatever. For all we know, they could be celebrating For the fact they got their first drink of rum, or that their hamster died. You can never be too sure. They just post things, and you have to sit back and think to yourself, "is this real life?"

FIGHT

"Hey, I was reading this, and it made me think of Shel Silverstien."

FRIENDLY
"That's pretty awesome... keep me updated." (Who are you fooling? No one know what the hell they're talking about!)

NEUTRAL
For the hell of it, you could attempt to crack the code of their post. Perhaps you'll win an award in human communications or something and get to pose as a new scientific supermodel.

Toasty's Guide to Facebook Users

Here I am with another guide! This time, I will be covering a bit of the Wonderful World of Failb-- Facebook. I will be discussing a few types of Facebook users and how to engage in battle with them- or simply deal with their kind. You can have oodles of fun messing with people on Facebook- and it's easy! Nearly everyone has at least one of these friends if they are a user of this social medium.

The Mr. They-Have-A-Better-Life-And-They-Will-Rub-It-In

John Prutehnshis:
Loving my tour of Europe! Today I had a superb dinner of smoked salmon, caviar, and a helping of risotto. I think if I eat any more caviar, I'm going to turn into caviar. -2 hours ago

 Now, there are many ways you can go about this, like the "Well I thumb my nose at you, sir!" or the "OMG that sounds sooo good!!11!" route. Here are basic tactics depending on your fight/friendly stance, or potential neutrality for the situation. Many other types of responses can be derived from these basic ones.

FIGHT
"Today, I ate a dinner of specially-made pufferfish meat, shashimi, and shabu-shabu. Also, I'll be watching fireworks tonight and smelling cherry blossoms as I sleep. Guess where I'm at, bitch? Also, I didn't get food poisoning or die."

FRIENDLY
"That sounds so good! Save me some please? I promise to make you likely-sub-par cookies when you get back if you do. Please? :)" (to be safe, give them the satisfaction of +1 Like on their status.)

NEUTRAL
Think darkly to yourself before scrolling on.

The Updates Every Minute of Every Day of Every EVERYTHING Friend

Valerie Obnoxsis: 
Oh my gosh, a bird just landed outside my living room window on the lower branch of my oak tree! It's a little songbird! How pretty! Yay! -10 minutes ago

Valerie Obnoxis:
The bird flew away, that's a bummer. And there's nothing on TV. #Whattowatch? -6 minutes ago

Valerie Obnoxis:
I made some instant cake in the microwave. Mmm, cake. Yum. -3 minutes ago

Valerie Obnoxis:
I BURNED MY MOUTH ON THE CAKE! Ow ow owwww :( Guess I'll eat something else. I'm going to Red Lobster with Brent! - 1 minute ago

Valerie Obnoxis is single. -4 seconds ago

These types of friends make you want to hit a puppy against a lamppost until you could make a wonderful casserole out of it. You know who they are. And if you are one, you typically don't realize it unless you've been enlightened by the forces of the Internet. These are the people that post every intimate detail of their lives, whether they've broken up with their other for the eighth time this week or woken up on the wrong side of town. Responses:

FIGHT
"Well, Valerie, did you pass out in the lobster tank again?"

FRIENDLY
"Oh no! Did you make him pay the tab? I hope he did!"

NEUTRAL
Bypass the post. Don't even bother, it's not like they saw a magical cheetah running through the sky today.

The It's Your Problem Too or Drown in my Virtual Tears (Drama Queen)

Allison Nospine:
Oh my gosh, I have the best boyfriend evvveerrrrr. He's so wonderful and one day hes gonna be my hubbyyyyy :) Love you babee <3 -46 minutes ago

Allison Nospine is single. -4 minutes ago

Allison Nospine:
Garrett is the worst person ever and he SUCKS!!! He had the balls to go to breakfast without me. Well whatever because I don't need assholes in my life. Only an awesome guy can get this special girl. I have my lady friends anywayss :) -3 minutes ago

Allison Nospine wrote a note:
A Poem for My Broken Heart
I am beautiful
You are ugly
Hope you enjoyed your fucking pancakes
Burn in hell Garrett
-23 seconds ago

These people go hand-in-hand with Updates-Every-Minute Friend. They whine, and cry, and people really don't care. They tend to butcher proper grammar and spelling rules like Pyramid Head butchers mannequins. They are compliment fishers. Example: "Man, I'm going to have a food baby from eating so much cereal. What about you?" "OH MY GOD YOU THINK I'M FAAAT." "When did I say that?! You're not fat! Stop turning red!"
We all fear them. We wait for the day where their account shuts itself off somehow and we can all enjoy the blissful silence.

FIGHT
"I was going to go to the bathroom because I thought I was about to give a shit, but then I didn't. Also, those pancakes were delicious. Garrett got strawberries and whipped cream on his."

FRIENDLY
"Lady friends are better! I know, let's put on Facebook that we're in a relationship, that'll throw them a curveball!" 

NEUTRAL
Cry in a corner, for the poor situation of humanity. How could anyone live like that?! 



I may continue this guide! Depends on how I'm feeling. I'll need to do more Facebook research. 

What Do I Do with my Life?

No, really. What will I do?
Now that my after school program is over with, one that I have participated in for five years and took up 98 percent of my life, all I can do is sit outside the band room door and sob quietly as I wait fruitlessly for practice to begin.
I am lost and alone. I need a buddy. I need a room full of drums, going progressively deaf, with the occasional comment that goes something along the lines of, "so I went to this crazy dubstep concert and there was a wall of death..."
I am sad. Very, very sad.

I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream

Okay, so I have a mouth. But considering its a Day Of Silence here in support of the LGBT community, (though it is my day of silence, too, in honor of the victims of the Boston bombing. May the benevolent spirits be with them) I have not spoken today except for when I absolutely must; here's my little list of frustrations with being quiet (and it's only halfway over!):

Attempting to have Extended Conversations
And then you get angry when I can't respond! Seriously?! I showed you my pre-written paper explaining the situation!

Trying to Play a Game of Charades
I suck at Charades. Like, it's ridiculous, the level of suck I possess. And I try to communicate that way anyhow. I've already given several people the finger today out of frustration as I desperately try to tell them something only to have them laugh as I frantically wave my arms like a Wacky Waving Inflatable Floaty Arm Guy. Those guys are scary.

 

"WooooOOOOOoooOOO! DooOONN'TT COOMMMEEE HEEEERREEE!"

Taking my Silence as Consent to Bug the Shit out of Me

I'm not talking, and working on a very important assignment! Please! By all means! Get in my face and discuss to me in depth how important it is that you see a doctor about your strange belly button blisters or what not! ...okay, that didn't actually happen. But I digress.

 

No Words?! BLASPHEMY!

Why do you try so hard to make me talk? Really? Really? This isn't a game! This is a matter of silence out of respect! Though I am currently yelling digitally. Over a blog. 

As I will continue to do so as long as I am writing here.

Anyone Out There?

I continue to post here as a budding new blogger, yet the feed that comes back is as static and shallow as the signals of newborn stars. Or the barks of basenjis, of which they have none. No barking for them.
Is anyone out there, even?
Am I alone in this cold, cruel world of blogs?
Hello?

My April Fool's Day Plans!

Hehehehe. I'm just kidding. I ain't telling you my plans.

Here's a picture of Julie Andrews instead.

April Fools.

Questions- They Kill Me

As I trudge my way into Monday, many questions are running through my head.
Why didn't I have one more muffin for breakfast today?
Where the hell did I put my other car key?
When should I clean my car since I've been to lazy to do it before? (Eh, I can do it later)
Why did I try eating that Thai curry at lunch today, upsetting my stomach and giving me some awful oriental spice burps?
What should I do this afternoon, sit in a tree or go dunk my feet in a river?
Should I invest in reading The Pillars of Creation or a collection of the best of H.P Lovecraft?
What employees should I harass at the town's bakeries? Should I tell those employees I'm on a mission from God, at an attempt at free apple-cinnamon pies?
Should I sleep on the couch tonight?
Where did that dead bird that was outside our fence yesterday go, because it was gone this morning?
Questions like these are the bane of my Monday existence. It makes my life progressively more difficult to plan, enjoy and just generally pay attention to.
I hate Mondays.

Cheeto Fingers and Telepathy

If books were people, I would have so many affairs, it's not even funny. I would be guilty of infidelity hundreds of times over.
Because books are sexy, sexy beasts.
Well, let me rephrase that. Most books are sexy, sexy beasts. I'm not gonna say that I'd take an afternoon alone with a cup of lemonade and Fifty Shades of Grey over an afternoon alone with a cup of lemonade and The Starlight Crystal. Mmm, Slaughterhouse Five, you're looking good tonight!
Because yes, I tried reading the first Fifty Shades book, but the writing was so laughably horrendous, I couldn't finish it. And it's an exceedingly rare occasion when I don't finish a book I've started.
So of course I have oodles and oodles of fun working as a library aide in my high school career. How would I not? I have the chance to improve my people skills, while looking after and maintaining hundreds of those gorgeous books.
I am their mother and they are my children. And also my dates.
Sorry Other Half.
And because I so lovingly look after them, YOU GRUBBY LITTLE FRESHMEN GET YOUR DAMN CHEETO FINGERS OFF OF MY KIDS.
I have so many pet peeves as a library aide, it's rather concerning, but well-founded. Though I am not a full librarian of lore, I share book pet peeves like these other librarians.

Kids with Cheeto/ Pringles/ corn chip fingers

I have seen so many beautiful pages ruined by these nasty eaters, it kills my soul a little. It's bad enough that they sneak in food when we don't ALLOW any beyond the front desk, but then they grab magazines and books off of our shelves and rub that nasty gold and red, cheesy powder off on every paper surface they touch. And then they close the books and let future readers suffer.
It's disgusting, it's disrespectful, and we work hard to keep these books clean for everyone. Don't waste our library money and time. And so help me, if I catch you with Cheeto fingers reading books, I will boot you from the library. I'm not kidding.

Kids who hand me a book and don't tell me what they want

I am the omnipotent goddess of this library! I know the books' desires as I know your literary desires! So obviously if you hand me a book over the desk and don't tell me what you would like, I'll know what to do!
This pisses me off. Especially when they get angry when I ask them what they would like. I'm not a damn telepathic. Open your trap and tell me how I can help you.

Dogearing pages

Again, I work hard to keep these books in good condition. And I shrivel a little every time I see a page with a fold in the corner. There are such ways to keep your page marked WITHOUT folding the page! Besides putting the book down on the page you're on (that damages the spine and covers and pretty much the whole thing); We have this new invention! It's called bookmarks. See, you stick them in your book and then you know where you're at when you go to read later! Isn't it cool! And the best part is, we hand them out for free! We even have some scratch-and-sniff bookmarks for you spoiled hooligans in watermelon, candy corn, mint and more! Grab a god damn bookmark, please.

 Treating me like the maid

Now, don't get me wrong- I do realize it is my job to clean the library, and I am happy to do that- to an extent. I will re-shelve your dropped books and magazines, put random folders in the lost and found, and wipe down dirty tables with sanitary wipes until my hands are raw. I'm fine with that.

What I am NOT fine with, is shelving a book, turning around and you're noisily chewing gum, putting your used piece on the underside of the table, throwing the wrapper on the floor, wiping your nose with a tissue and also throwing that on the floor, scattering paper scraps everywhere, and generally being an asshole. I had the pleasure of kicking a kid out of the library the other week:

Me: "Excuse me, could you pick up your trash before you leave? Thank you."

Entitled Jerkface: "Can't you get it?"

Me: "I have a lot of things to do, if you could just pick up the papers you've left on the desk and return those books to the drop shelf so I can put them back, I would really appreciate it."

Entitled Jerkface: "Ha! It's not that big a deal. You can get it."

Me: "Excuse me? I'm not your mother."

At which point, Entitled Jerkface spit his gum out on the floor in front of me. I called his teacher, and sent him back to class.

Are we really in a society where we are that rude? It made me see red for a while.

You're not that sneaky. No, really, you're not

I get a kick out of kids who try to sneak drinks past the front desk. Yes, we'll keep your drink safe for you, but for the sake of the books and computers, keep it here, and come back to the desk to drink it. Yes, I can see you when you try to get it past me. You're not invisible or the offspring of a ninja. And if my back is turned and you do sneak it in, I'll know. Because 90% of the time, it's something sticky, and you spill it. It seems your favorite victims are the computers.

"My keyboard isn't working!"

"Is it wet?"

"...no...?"

"Oh, hey, it's wet, you spilled something on it. It's sticky and sweet. That's why it's not working and that's why you get to pay for a new keyboard."

You'd think it's common sense.

I'm looking for the answer to the obscurity of life

"I'm looking for a book."

"I'm looking for a magazine."

"I'm looking for some pictures."

"I'm looking for an encyclopedia."

What book are you looking for? What magazine? What picture? What encyclopedia? Don't give me some open-ended comment. Elaborate. I've read many of the books here. I'd be happy to give you a recommendation. Would you like a recommendation? There's all our magazines over on that shelf. LOOK THERE. We have an entire file cabinet of pictures for your use, from Alabaster to Zebra. We have it tidy and organized. Want a picture? I'll direct you to the file cabinet but find it yourself. Don't tell me you don't know the alphabet. Or did you leave your precious art project here, and that's the picture you're looking for? I can't hold your hand for everything.

I'm looking for a book on the plight of alligators in the Congo who eat babies

Now, I get it if you give me a broad subject such as, "I'm looking for a book on the native birds of America," or, "I'm looking for a book on Romanticism." We probably have more than one book on that. But asking me something like, "Do you have any books on Easter Island head-like statues in Peru?" and then getting angry with me when we don't have the absurdly specific book you're looking for... that drives me up a wall. We have a book on sculptures, ancient art and even Peru. But you may have better luck on the Internet. My apologies.

Know What's Good for You- Avoid Health Classes

Lending a helping hand every other day at a media center can prove interesting. Living and breathing books can provide interesting experiences. And unnaturally harsh lessons.
Example, this morning I had the pleasure of delivering reading-time material to our school's health class. I never much cared for health. I knew about 98% of what we learned before I took the class and filling out diagrams on sexual organs was never very entertaining. Who finds that entertaining?
So I'm struggling to open the door while hefting about 5 pounds of paper in one arm, and upon opening the door, I come face-to-face with excessive blood, frantic people, and lady parts turning to hamburger on a bright T.V screen. I'd walked in on the birthing video. Not that I'm appreciative of all the shit we women go through to bring life into the world (guys, you can hardly pass a kidney stone. Try pushing a coconut out your unattractive parts), but I don't do well with things that ooze. Or screech. Or gaping slits from a knife. At least not in people. I do fine with animals. After watching momma doggies eat their new puppies' placentas, not a whole lot gags you about animals anymore--
but point aside,
It was really, really distressing and I dropped those magazines like an old decomposing body on the desk and GTF-bailed out of there.
Never. Ever. Ever. EVER. Did I say never ever? NEVER EVER AGAIN.
OH GOD NO.

Toasty's Guide to Never Taking Movies Seriously

Now I'm a fan of cinema. It's pretty! It's shiny! There's enemies that people kill with fire! But I digress:
Name any film. Any one. There is at least one moment in the film where you have to ask, "why on earth would you do that?!" You know what I'm talking about. Where someone has to be the freakin' hero, or build some godawful, useless weapon, or attempting to hypnotize a no-no-parts snake.
You know what I'm talking about.

Prometheus

Aww, look how cute that unidentified alien is! Why?! Why would you approach a super nasty-looking alien snake that just rose out of some black goop! And then claim "she likes me!" before it spits acid at your helmet, opens up a gap and then forces itself down your throat. Really?
And on that same film note! The team enters a cavern that has been untouched for possibly millenia. Hey, our equipment says the air is breathable! Let's take off our helmets!
I... I don't... I don't have hope for humanity anymore...
Was there at least one guy there who took first year microbiology who could say, "Hey, guys, this might not be a great idea! We'd be introducing the bacteria from our breathing to a new environment, tainting the air that has been untouched for so long."?
Apparently not.


Scream

I just can't really take this movie seriously. Yes, it's been heralded as a brilliant horror film and everything, but it's ridiculous and predictable. First off!

Sidney is dating that creep?! Billy. Yes, Billy. Oh he's so nice and sweet and he keeps trying to get in your pants and murder your friends. I have seen few horror film characters as naive and ridiculously blind as Sidney.

On top of that, Billy parades around in a stupid costume that, if I remember correctly, reaches his feet. In real life, if you're being chased by a killer in a stupid costume, he's probably gonna trip. And don't just stand there when he does! Kick that asshat in the throat! He is trying to KILL YOU!

Nearly Every Damn Movie that includes a Time-Altering Device of Some Sort

Yeah, I went there. Even Harry Potter. Remember the time turners from the third film? Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE Harry Potter. Ask me anything about the series and I can answer it. The books are my favorite things on Earth.

But that aside, what I never understand is, when there's a time machine or something available, why not go back in time and KILL THE BAD GUY before he's even a bad guy? So you don't have to worry about it in the future and possibly save countless lives?

God damn, I just... Movies really make me want to scream sometimes. And not in the I-just-watched-a-good-horror-film kind of scream.

To The City! LOUD NOISES!!!

So this weekend I'm leaving my humble hick-infested country home behind, to depart to the BIG CITY!!
Ahhhhhh!! :D

This is my face when I leave to the city. Minus the baby face. Plus 50% more awesome.

I'm leaving specifically to make super loud percussion sounds with other people who are making super loud percussion sounds, and then show other people who are there to watch super loud percussion people make super loud percussion sounds, our super loud percussion sounds. Then I'll stand in one spot for a while and get a piece of paper.

Awesome, you say? Yes, quite!

It's a day trip. But should I get the opportunity, I'll get to question the fancy city people to see if they've seen the Messiah.

...wow, have you seen that baby's eyelashes? I need myself a pair of those. I could take off and fly with them.

Needless to say, I have several locations of choice pinpointed. Wish me luck.

Old Men Like Cocaine

I think we're all naturally attracted to stupidity. If common sense and making oneself attractive to others is the modest, shy guy, then stupidity is the bad boy with the leather jacket who's unfathomably sexy and rides a Ducati and generally just doesn't give a shit about other people's feelings. Which is of course, to say, chick magnet!
...right?
I'm an individual who gravitates towards doing stupid things. And then, of course, I lapse into a vicious hypocrisy circle when I complain about other people's insolence.
I ride the mechanical horses made for toddlers at gas stations and other public areas.
I run in the snow barefoot.
I point out the coin-grabbing sound effect from Super Mario to the cashier at gas stations in Texas, when the guy has probably heard it a million, hundred, thousand, ten times.
I commentate my own life every once in a while. I call it the Super Secret Director's Cut. Or a sort of "Ssssscccuuddd" noise for short.
I can't recall every other stupid thing I've done at this exact moment. But of course, there's every other stupid individual who naturally gravitate towards stupid and potentially dangerous things. "Damn, man, this house arrest sucks! Why do I have to be stuck here!"
Should have thought about that before you kicked an old man where the sun don't shine and made off with his cocaine!

Fus Ro Dah, miscreants.

I commonly find instances of lucid inspiration while tickling the ivories. Although most of these are inspired by other's interruptions while I'm playing something I already know.
Example:
I am happily playing Toccata and Fugue in D minor or a piano cover of Archangel by Two Steps from Hell, when a fellow teenager bursts into the room, and I quote:

Followed by, "Shit! Someone's already using the piano!" And the door slamming shut.
I thought for a moment.
Fus Ro Dah. Hmm.
Challenge accepted!
One thing I pride myself on, is my entertainment in figuring out game scores by ear, or simply learning transcribed sheet music of game scores. Works in progress include a conglomeration of entries from the Sly Cooper trilogy (not including the recent fourth game) and the opening theme from Assassin's Creed III.
And this is how I was inspired to be Pianoborn. (Dragonborn... Pianoborn... hah...)

Belated P.S.A to Valentines participants

Happy Belated Valentine’s Day! To all the couples out there, good for you. Keep gifting suffering by not paying attention while carrying your overstuffed bears and balloons you feel is best to carry through the narrowest, busiest spaces because those clearly are the best areas to traverse with obnoxious objects.
To the others, who may (or may not) proudly call it Singles Awareness Day,
Run!
Run for your bloody lives, don’t look back! The chocolate ice cream corporations are buying into your single lives! They will own you! Become absorbed in books and vanilla ice cream instead. Give ‘em a literature and cream twist!
I am a member of a couple (...what other members would there be besides two?) but it’s within the last year so Valentine’s Day is still relatively new to me. Before that, I was a proud celebrator of Single’s Awareness for years and I ate chocolate by the boxes. I have a serious addiction problem when it comes to chocolate.
Yesterday, I rediscovered this old game I’d forgotten about: Herdy Gerdy. It was actually a hidden gem of a game, but I remembered the thing I always ran away from throughout the game: the neon pink bear. It’d eat my chicken-things and ruin my fences.
What if, when he was chasing you, he didn’t want to undermine your herding abilities, but he wanted a hug? His arms were outstretched! Although I'd be super pissed about being chased through some obscure forest or field full of rocks with bare feet like the kid from the game was. That's freaking painful.
So next year, don’t run from the pink bear. Give a Valentine. Give the poor guy a hug.
And that’s how I discovered my personal compassion and kindness.

On A Mission

Since this is my first post, let me take the time to explain something.
I’m on a mission.
A mission to find the Holy Grail-- er, no. Wait.
A mission to find the Holy Toast. Think I’m joking? Think I’m daft? I’ll pull your voicebox out! Have at you!
A man finds the face of Jesus in his toast. He preserves it and sells it off Ebay for 20,000$ or some ridiculous price like that. It’s toast! Think of it as an oversized cracker thing you get in church. Eat your ruined, blackened toast!
But no. They sell it for ridiculous prices. It must be a message to the Jesus-toast-finder:
Get rich!
So here’s my mission. I’m to find the Messiah somewhere. He frequently visits, clearly. I want to meet the Messiah, whoever it may be. I want to find a message from Heaven.
I’m enlisting the world to help me.